$4.50 a gallon is killing this dad

Alternative fuels? I'm all for 'em.

Corn... Hydrogen... Hell if you could get my Saab to run on endangered whale blubber, I'd have to seriously consider the retro-fit.



Why? Because my 2 and a half year-old son will ONLY fall asleep in his car seat - And ONLY if the car is moving.

So now I have a decision to make, do I put up with a tantrum EVERY time he's exhausted and won't nap on his own OR do we pop him in the car and drive around burning through $85 tanks of fuel like Sherman through Atlanta.

ANSWER: $4.50 a gallon is killing me.

But at least for that money I can get some peace and quiet for upwards of 90 minutes a day.

Taking 2 kids to the beach is no day at the beach

The crying, the whining, the pouting... I can deal with my wife when I'm trying to deal with my two favorite buggers (my boys) on the sandy shores of Malibu.

Travel Tip for all you dads: When going to the beach with a toddler, make sure you have a lot of juice, a lot of toys, and a lot of patience.

My oldest, we'll call him K1, can be a moody little bugger. Sometimes he's fun and other times, well, you just wanna give him away... Forget the black market, just hand him over... No exchange necessary... But he's yours... No backsies.

So yesterday, after two hours of whining while on Topanga Canyon Beach, he FINALLY fell asleep. THANK FREAKIN' GOD!

With him sleeping, my wife decided to take a walk.

My little guy finally asleep.

"No problemo," I said. Though, probably not in Espanol.

Anyway, it's me and the two kids. K1 is zonked out. K2 (the baby) starts crying. I have to think fast... And I do.

I pick him up, cover his head and walk 10 yards or so from the sleeping monster.

At that very moment (I kid you not) a GUST of wind comes from no where, lifting both my brand new beach umbrellas from the ground and taking them on a Mary Poppins-esque journey down the shoreline.

It's fight or flight time. Do stay with K1 and I let them go, thus losing the $40 I just spent on them OR do I, baby in tow, dart down the beach after them?

That's right I chose the latter. Sleeping monster would never know and mom wouldn't know either as, let's face it, who's gonna tell her? Not me.

Problem is, she caught me walking back to our "base camp" with the baby under one arm and two umbrellas over my shoulder...

To say she was upset that I'd leave a 2 year-old sleeping alone on the beach is an understatement... As of this typing, she's still mad at me.

Trust me on this, taking two kids to the beach is no day at the beach.

And who do you think dug this nifty hole? That's right, Hollywood Dad... I'm a giver and doer.

It's not what you think... I swear!

NOTE: As I'm just starting this blog, I plan on using a few older stories to get it going. This story is from about one year ago, but is hilarious nonetheless.

Three weeks ago, I bought my oldest son (I'll refer to him as "K1") a little red car and to say he loves it is an understatement. (See picture below)

Every single morning, we take a walk through the neighborhood - down to Melrose Ave., up La Brea Ave., across Santa Monica Blvd. and back.

What I've noticed is that he's captivated by large vehicles (buses, fire trucks, ambulances and 18-wheelers). And whenever said vehicles rumble by, K1 points to them and, at the top of his lungs, yells "truck" - just in case I didn't know, I suppose.

Thing is, he's only 15 months old and can't actually say "truck" as his brain hasn't figured out out to make the proper phonetic "TR" sound. So, while in his mind he is saying "truck", in actuality he is saying "Cuck".

And of course, while I know what he's saying, passersby think my son is screaming "Cock" AND pointing so as to let me know where the "cock" is.

Of course the embarrassment of my son repeatedly yelling "cock" is amplified by the fact that we live in West Hollywood which is, as everyone knows, the gayest city this side of... Well no where. To give you an idea of how gay West Hollywood is, it makes South Beach look like Racine, WI.

West Hollywood, California: Where bizarre is normal.

And there he is, my little man, screaming "cock" at the top of his lungs every 12 seconds in the gayest city in America.

Well, I don't need to tell you it makes daddy proud.

In a semi-relaed story... People always ask me what it's like being a dad. And I always respond the same way. It's amazing and the one thing I've found to be most incredible is that once you have kids of your own, you finally learn just how much your parents loved you... Oh, and how much they resented you.

But how could you not love this guy? He's the best thing that ever happened to me. WAY better than the stroke... That's for sure.